March 22, 2012

Bon soir mon ami,

It seems that my life has been on hold, but yet I see the hours, days and weeks slip away…. I just finished a week of French midterms.  Written, Oral and Readings…  I thought I did well but after listening to the recording of my reading I quickly realized that I completely butchered the French language into pieces that were no longer recognizable. What sounded great  to me coming out of my mouth was no more than the sounds of nails scratching down a calkboard.  To say the least this was not only humbling but also very depressing. It seems that all the studying and hours spent have only allow me to become no more than… less than even the horrible bench mark….  So I study more and ask more questions and get more confused and more frustrated.   Even though I have no plans of leaving this goal. I do seriously question my sanity…I knew that French was going to be difficult… I planned for that. I did not expect it to gut and fillet me and serve me with a side of low-fat tartar sauce.

I have woke up in a cold sweat in the morning after a dream of laying in my bed and seeing that the walls are covered in from floor to ceiling French words in black marker and I realize that I have no idea of how to pronounce any of them.  I am trying to learn/ remember the vocabulary and the genders of the words and I must admit I am lost. I write them down and then rewrite them I say them out loud and repeat again and again and then… I forget them.  It sounds sad, but my head hurts it feels like it will explode…and that does not seem like it will help me remember any better…

But even after the worse day of studying and one of the most difficult weeks of work and school, I am setting here looking at my note and trying to cram the information into my head, in hopes of it making sense.  I have dreams of opening my mouth one day and all this beautiful French just flows from my being… there is a saying Fall down seven times. Get up eight.  I am bruised and sore, tired and I am feeling very old.  But, I am determined and I know I have the passion to make this dream come true.

I must remind myself of this daily.


A bientôl


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