Experimentation happening in the studio~

12 in x 9 in

What does being authentic mean to you as an individual?

Authenticity is a concept that I have been exploring carefully, distilling it down to its sticky residue, investigating how it functions as a larger component of my creative process. This demands from me to be centered mentally and emotionally as I create my artwork. Often struggling with questions and challenges of the topographyof my work, as they percolate up to the surface, often revealing very empowering insights.

This is a process of constantly peeling away the external layers of wisdom, events and expectations instilled upon me. Believed to be based on facts; accurate or reliable information was often completely constructed upon foundations of the insecurities of friends, family and random strangers. These building blocks of fears, disappointments and never fulfilled dreams reinforced the powerful words and actions that shadowed and informed my choices growing up and still occasionally influence my interactions as an adult.

I have discovered that there are many paths that can nurture true authenticity. The most crucial of all the workings is that you must examine everything, investigating to determine if your words and actions are based on current feelings or if your reaction is influenced by factors of past conditioning? This permits the opportunity to create an emotionally appropriate response to what is being presented in the moment.

Preserving ones authenticity is a practice of shedding these layers of good intentions that slowly installed fear and self-doubt. My authentic self is extricated as I investigate my daily actions and interactions with fresh eyes and uncluttered mind. This gives me the opportunity to construct new conclusions established from information I hold currently. Reminding me to not default to the influences of the many stratum of socialization infused since my birth.

I have come across many people on my journey, who question if there is the possibility of becoming 100% authentic? Although, I believe that we all experience flashes of clarity of true authenticity. It is unfortunately that too often these continue to be based on the individuals’ perceived self and not their true or pure self. Achieving authenticity is a process; it requires self-exploration to remove the many levels of conditioning to reveal the true essence of an individual.

Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?

I just realized that I have never put this on my website…so I wanted to share.

It is quote from“Hope for the Flowers” by Trina Paulus.

The book that always reminded me to never let go of hope!

Fly
Ink, Gouache, Paper, Shipping crate,  Butterfly metal forms
41 in x 22 in
2006

These could be the beginning of any statements, questions or even answers.

Present ~Past~ Future

This is my beginning of an internal dialog that I have been an active participant of this week. I am thinking that it will evolve and continue as an on going process. This dialog as taught me… that over the years I have become a huge packrat, storing stuff in every little tiny space I could find. I have not limiting this obsession to only physical objects, but I have extended this compulsion to include the non-physical realm: thoughts, ideas, emotions, expectations and disappointments… you get the idea. All stacked up neatly in little boxes on the shelves labeled and dated with the greatest of care. (In reality the older boxes are overstuffed and shoved back into dark corners, marked with red wax crayon, and covered with a cloth to hide them from my sight.)

I Was

These are all the things that happened in the past, mismatched luggage and boxes filled with past hopes, and fears… These are the largest and heaviest of packages stacked on the floor, taped up with shipping tape that has lost its “stickiness” years ago. Some have water damage and should just be carried out to the trash. Who I was.

I am

These are the stacks of items that are piled tall on my desk, my file cabinets and several dangerously tall piles on chairs in the corner. This is the stuff that will get filed, shredded or placed on top of a different pile… for future evaluation. Who I am now.

I Will Be

These are the clear spacious containers that I have designed to store my future dreams and hopes. These are cared for daily. They are the largest and sturdiest of all the different containers. I am careful as to what I chose to place in them. The lids are never closed as to allow fresh ideas and thoughts to follow through, but as a precaution I have installed finely woven wire mesh over the openings of the boxes to help prevent negative thoughts and fears from settling in the containers.

These are the containers that hold all the elements to create my future! Who I will be.

It is time to take out the trash….

I am ~ I Was ~ I Will Be

I feel one of the greatest things that an individual can maintain throughout their life is to continue to learn about the world around them. This supports a sense of wonder and excitement about everything.

I can remember as a young adult I would take out my dictionary and open it up to a random page and circle my finger in the air above and then drop my pointing finger down on the page. Sometimes, I was surprised that it would land on a word that I already knew the meaning…but more times than not, I would come across a word that I had never heard of before. This quickly became a daily game to see how many words I could acquire, as words were added to my vocabulary I came to a clear understanding that I would never run out of new words to learn.

Today, I pulled out the dictionary and opened it…and circle the air and landed on a new word… one I have never heard of before. I reminisced as how I would use these words as the building blocks for stories or fantasies that I could create and play out in my mind. These were my adventures that begin with one random word.

My word today… gastrolith.

A gastrolith, also called a stomach stone or gizzard stones, is a rock held inside a gastrointestinal tract. Gastroliths are retained in the muscular gizzard and used to grind food in animals lacking suitable grinding teeth. The grain size depends upon the size of the animal and the gastrolith’s role in digestion. Other species use gastroliths as ballast. Particles ranging in size from sand to cobbles have been documented.

Today I am a big green dinosaur eating from the tree of knowledge. As my gastroliths help to finely grind my newly gained knowledge so my mind, body and soul can utilize it to make my world just a little bit better.

The best part is that the story does not have to have beginning, middle, or end and it does not have to follow any logical sense to anyone except the person creating it…and even that is up to them to decide. This is one of the most wonderful things about imagination!

During this dinosaur adventure today, I was reminded that not only are we natural storytellers but we all have a story to tell. These stories are important because it is a process for us to express things that maintain the core of our being; it helps to build understanding and compassion with others in our communities. So my dinosaur today did not save the world, but it placed a smile on my face…and made my tiny space in the world a little bit better.

Go open up a dictionary and find a word… what story does it have to share with you? What great adventure is waiting for you?

Taking this week to step back and look at the larger picture.

• What are my goals?
• What am I doing to insure that those will be fulfilled?
• What are the challenges?
• What are my resources?
• Where do I want to be a year from now?
• How do I build/ maintain my artist community?

I am learning that the old rules no longer apply and that I have reached a point where it is time to establish a new game plan. This summer was about breaking down walls / barriers, learning that sometimes things need to be obliterated before one can re-create.

My foundation ~ reinforced by signing up for the Paul Klein Works workshop, at the end of September. I am utilizing this as yet another jumping off point to assist in my continued constructing of my artistic career. I am lucky enough to be surrounded by so many wonderful resources but often times I am not sure now to incorporate them to assist in my process. My goal is that this 12-week workshop will facilitate in drawing my recourses together making them more beneficial and supportive as I move forward.

A large part of this process is asking myself tons of questions to try and figure out the best path to follow. One of the questions that is reoccurring, where do I want to be in my art career in ten years? I will be 55 years old (gasp!)…. Stopping each time and wondering where the time went… after my shock lessens… I return back to reality and say time to figure this out!   Overwhelmed so for now I have changed the question to, “Where do I want to be next year? This is easier for me to conceive at this point.

But I do have dreams that I want to happen within 10 years, I just do not have any idea how to make those things happen yet. I have many things to learn…and I am looking forward to that journey.

So the biggest challenge in moving forward is remembering that the stepping-stones of the past were only spaces to rest and build up my strength up again, they were never meant to be the end of my journey.