Another gray, cold day…it is the cloak that surrounds me making my depression more pronounced. The day started great with a field trip to Dick Blick to pick up some new paintbrushes and some other fun things. But with the walk home from the El, my mood quickly spiraled downward. The damp coldness cuts into me to the bone and makes me only want to return home and not really explore the world anymore. I know I should use this day to rest my body and give time to replenish my soul with creative energy, but it only makes me feel more depressed and feeds into the levels of questioning thoughts, self-doubt and uncertainty. All the past messages that I have stored in the back of my mind have come out to play in the gray of the day. I try to be upbeat and present a positive side to the face of the world. But inside I am just trying to get by and make it through the day.
I have started to read “The War of Art” by Steven Pressfield. He explores the thoughts and concepts about “resistance” and how it might play out in the world of an artist. I have learned many things from his words and try to apply his wisdom to my practice. I have people who have asked me how am I able to do all of this, balance everything in my life. How am I able to produce so much and still have the energy to stand up? My only reply is that it is all smoke and mirrors and some Vaseline. It is the only way that I know how to function so I can move forward in my day and with my life. I struggle daily with my internal voices that constantly tell me that I am the “one” that will cause me to “make it” or “break it”. I struggle with the voices of my past and the ideas and beliefs that have been instilled in my brain throughout my life. I struggle with the moments of what if? I wake up in the morning with the anxiety, will I be able to make it through the day. Will I be able to live up to my own personal expectations? I question what is good enough? What is enough?
Today on my travels I pulled out the Walkman and listened to cassettes of old music from days gone. I felt sad because the times enjoyed in those songs are gone. Time has changed everything, and the memories are there but I question how real those really are. The innocent is gone and some of the wonder has been beaten out of me. It has been replace by strength and the ability to hold my head up high even when all I want to do is curl up and hide. The saying what does not kill you makes you stronger, it can also create a sense of emptiness and sadness, feelings that fills that void.
So the gray of the day reminds me of the past and the feelings that make me sad. They say the brighter the light the darker the shadows, when it is gray there is not the bright of light and there are no shadows, all seems filled with despair.
But I hold my head up high and hope that the gray will be replaced by the brightness of a new day. A day that will allow me the chance to become the person I am meant to be.