How many breaths are there between the first life providing one and then our final exhale?  How many minutes between the two. I can remember my mother telling me when I was young that it made her sad when she would read about someone young that had passed away. But I wondered even back then, what if that person had a wonderful fulfilling life … even if it was shorter than what we think is “normal”.  Why should that make one sad? I have known so many people that have lived very long lives but did not appreciate that and were callous and unkind. Is it better to live 30 years and always be happy and in awe of the wonder of life or to live 87 years and be bitter and resentful every one of those days?

So it seems to me it is not the total of minutes that make up your life… but yet what you do with those minutes.

I think of all the minutes that I have used in my life to current date and contemplate if I feel they were put to good use. I realize that there are periods of time in my life that the time was foolishly wasted. That I placed a higher value on someone else’s time and personal worth much more than I placed upon my own.

Somehow… my upbringing conditioned me that if I placed someone else’s needs above my own. That it would help make me a better person…or at least a more humbled person. What I experienced was that this just caused me to be “utilized’ by other people and then discarded abruptly when they had exhausted everything they could use.

There are moments in my life that I wish had never ended and I try desperately to hold on to these… and moments that I wished I never had allowed to exist. I want to be able to go back in time and approach these people and say, “ You wasted my valuable minutes and I would like to have those back so I could re-used them on happy memories”

My passion for my life and my artwork expands outward from this and I try to make different (better) choices than I have in the past. This has become an expression of my being and often a way to explain and sometimes reflect upon my past. Holding on to some of the past in hopes of it never escaping. But I know with every ounce of my being that time is fleeting.

I inhale…exhale…and another moment passes.

I go to sleep at night and I lay in bed asking myself what could I have done differently today?  It is not because I feel the need to second guess the choices that I made… only to help me make better choices for tomorrow. I only have so many minutes… I do not want to waste them.

1 minute =                   12 breaths

60 minutes =                720 breaths

24 hours =                    17,280 breaths

1 week =                        120,960 breaths

1 month =                      3,628,800 breaths

1 year =                          43,545,000 breaths

43 years =                     1,872,460,800 breaths

and counting….

Bon soir mon ami,

It seems that my life has been on hold, but yet I see the hours, days and weeks slip away…. I just finished a week of French midterms.  Written, Oral and Readings…  I thought I did well but after listening to the recording of my reading I quickly realized that I completely butchered the French language into pieces that were no longer recognizable. What sounded great  to me coming out of my mouth was no more than the sounds of nails scratching down a calkboard.  To say the least this was not only humbling but also very depressing. It seems that all the studying and hours spent have only allow me to become no more than… less than even the horrible bench mark….  So I study more and ask more questions and get more confused and more frustrated.   Even though I have no plans of leaving this goal. I do seriously question my sanity…I knew that French was going to be difficult… I planned for that. I did not expect it to gut and fillet me and serve me with a side of low-fat tartar sauce.

I have woke up in a cold sweat in the morning after a dream of laying in my bed and seeing that the walls are covered in from floor to ceiling French words in black marker and I realize that I have no idea of how to pronounce any of them.  I am trying to learn/ remember the vocabulary and the genders of the words and I must admit I am lost. I write them down and then rewrite them I say them out loud and repeat again and again and then… I forget them.  It sounds sad, but my head hurts it feels like it will explode…and that does not seem like it will help me remember any better…

But even after the worse day of studying and one of the most difficult weeks of work and school, I am setting here looking at my note and trying to cram the information into my head, in hopes of it making sense.  I have dreams of opening my mouth one day and all this beautiful French just flows from my being… there is a saying Fall down seven times. Get up eight.  I am bruised and sore, tired and I am feeling very old.  But, I am determined and I know I have the passion to make this dream come true.

I must remind myself of this daily.

A bientôl

I woke up today and turn on my computer and went into itunes to listen to the French music that my instructor downloaded for me… the first song that played was “Ces bottes sont faites pour marcher.”  These boots where made for walking…I will take that as a good sign for the day!  These boot of mine where made for walking….

I wanted to be able to sit down and type something out that was profound ….

and all I can think of  is that I made it through another week…

but I have to admit I have no idea what week it is. The day goes by and the weeks add up and then before I know it a month has vanished…. Or in this case 8 weeks. It is time for mid term exams. I have never had an mid term that spanned the course of three class periods

Class 1… Written

Class 2 …Oral

Class 3 …Reading

I have surrounded myself with random post-it notes that have the words of the objects in French. I am only listening to French music. My shopping list  are  in French(and then I get to the store and I forget what the word means) I spent 20 minutes walking around Dominick’s trying to remember what “ le oignon “ is.  I knew it was singular and masculine but that didn’t help me much…(by the way it means onion)

This has my life since I posted last… I go to work… go to class …go home…study… eat …sleep, repeat…  I am not complaining..  I am totally enjoying French, just wish I would have learned it was I was five…sorry mom.

For you with children… teach them everything you know, and for the things you do now know … find someone who can teach them it. I am currently surround in a French class that most students speak 2-3 different languages and some know as many as 6.  It is just a bit intimidating to say the least.

On a different note….I had a friend as me today how my artwork is going….I said that currently have a canvas on the easel….but I neglected to mention that I have not touched it in 7 weeks…sometime less information is better.

I think this Summer I will start another project similar to the “ Word Project” that I did last year… but not sure what form it should take this time… so if anyone has some ideas feel free to e-mail me johnmichaelkorpal@yahoo.com

I seem a bit preoccupied these days.   Go figure…lol But I need to start working on the art at some point….

If you are on any social  media sites please feel free to connect with me.

Facebook – John-Michael Korpal

Twitter –jmkorpal

Linkedin– John-Michael Korpal

Critical Mass Moment(s)

It is my belief and understanding that when an object (this includes human beings as an object) reaches critical mass it has two options. (Maybe more… but lets focus on these)

1)   Stabilize and maintain current status.

2)   Implode.

Things have been a little overwhelming as of late…and as any of my friends can tell you. I work under stress very well… I do not deal well with the outside world while I am stressed.  I have been trying to balance everything ,all the time, everywhere… the normal person realizes that this is impossible…. I still think it can be done.

So studying till 2-3 am every night. Getting to work at 10:30 everyday and trying to do such things as laundry, cleaning, eating and sleeping in the time that is left. I am sad to say making art has not fit into the equation.

Hence, Critical Mass moment(s)

I woke up this morning with the  sound of the alarm and I was very calm and quiet in my mind. The sun was out and it seemed a great day. But something seemed off.  It was not that I felt wonderful it was more the fact that I felt nothing. My mind and body had shut down/off.

I did not care that there was some woman yelling down the alley, or that I have a huge French test tomorrow night, that is stressing the hell out of me, I did not care that I had to go to work and the pile of stuff waiting there for me  Nothing mattered…. I hit critical mass I had two choices to stabilize or to implode… my being made the decision for me.

So it is not that I have given up. I will still push myself past my comfort level. But it made me stop today and think. What is enough, at what point will I be happy with what I am able to accomplish?

In a day,

a week,

a month,

a year.

Is there a point that I will say this is enough…

I don’t know…

Bonjour,

Je m’pelle jon-michel, Je suis de Chicago.

So I know who I am ( or at least my name) and where I live. This is what three classes have given me.

Well also Ça va tres bien… Ça va tres mal.

I have learned that spell check hates me not only is it trying to fix my French but it is also fixing my English. If I type a curse word I do not want it to turn into “shut”…

Most of my posts to date have been about my artwork or the creative process or even the disappointment of staring at a bank canvas and having it laugh back at you. But I have decided to explore a different medium to express myself. and that is the medium is language more specifically, French.

I took it in High School… but that was a couple years ago…lol…and I did horrible… the more I tried the worst I did.  So taking the French class has been a way to move forward and erase some of the yucky past… it is also been supported by the fact that I would like to spend my 45^th birthday in France. So that is the goal…

So as with my muse… I show up and I sit and study and wait for the muse to show up to see the magic and the wondered of a new language before me. I must admit as excited as I am thinking about class and learning …I also have moments where I am sick to my stomach wondering if I am crazy for wanting this, adding more “stuff” to a schedule that is unreal,

But there is that little cheerleader that is inside that says YES you are crazy… but sometimes dreams can be crazy and unrealistic!  If you don’t push yourself how will you ever know how far you can go.

So I go forward creating the life I want to create… and learn as I explore

WHO I was,

WHO I am,

WHO I will be…

A new year and a new series of Calligraphy Classes have started at the Discovery Center. Sunday marked the first day of class and there was a wonderful turnout with a total of 10 students.  In this session I am teaching the graceful Chancery Cursive Script (Cancellaresca Corsiva).

This script was the standard hand in Italy around the 15^th century. The main individuals responsible for this beautiful script were Ludovico degli Arrighi, Giouanniantonio Tagliente and Giovanbattista Palatino.

The basic letterform is a development of an earlier style-

Niccolo Niccoli who in the early 15th century established in Florence a school of writing based on the Carlovingian minuscule. Because of the clarity and beauty of this form it prospered. Eventually (during the pontification of Eugeninus IV – (1431-1447) his hand was adopted as the official form for all papal briefs – hence its name “Chancery”.

In the first class we were able to get use to using the broad edge marker and crawled our way through all of the minuscles (lower case letters) and the students created their names as their first word utilizing their newly learned script. It’s a lot information to absorb in two hours but that will give them plenty to practice till we meet again next Sunday afternoon. Then we will be covering the formation of the Majuscules letters and the numbers… and then we can create sentences!

 little twig of past

quiet nature discarded

restructure brand new  

Breathe in … exhale…

The dimly lighted room is starting to become clearer in my mind. It is still empty … but no longer scary or as daunting.

Today I went to go see the new Muppet Movie…and what happen I have few words to explain. As an adult I view the Muppets different than I did as a child. But in both time frames they were/are my heroes.  Who really goes to a kid’s movie to cry…? Well, it seems that I did.

So all of my past entries have been what I am doing now and what I plan on doing in the future. I rarely look back at my past. Partly because I want to be able to move forward and partly I don’t want to be reminded of my past.  Some of it is wonderful … some not so much. I think we can all relate to that.

But watching the movie today I was reminded of how much the Muppets helped me get through my earlier years. They were cute and made me laugh and entertained me, but on a deeper level they helped me know that I would be ok when I grew up… that at some point we are all misfits and we each have our inner voice to follow, our own drum to pound. You get the idea.  They taught me that even if you had a big purple nose, or had a funny laugh, or that you told silly jokes that were cheesy and not funny… you were still ok.  The Muppets never made fun of each other they were never mean to each other… they were always equal to each other. It gave me a safe place to vanish into on Saturday nights. Knowing that everything was going to be ok even if my world seem turned upside down and scary.

Here 20 some years later I sit in a theater and they remind me again that everything is still ok. That we are all different and because of that it makes the world a wonderful place and even though I do not have all the answers… That I can be who I want to be, explore the thoughts that cross my mind. Create the ideas that help form my artwork that feels natural and true to me. To be able to do this and not worry what people think or say. I know that it will be fine and the empty room is just a new beginning of things to come.

Sometimes even thought we think we may have figured out who we are …it is always good to be reminded. Muppet or Human you need to live a life that is authentic to you… never forget who you are

Road Block (mental or otherwise)

Choices:

STOP…. Turn around and go back from whence you came from.

Caution… pause look around ponder other venues.

Jump over the barricades and get ready for the adventure ahead.

So many to choose from… (Yes, I realize there are only three) I have the range from the safe to the somewhat scary… Just not sure which is more anxiety producing STOP and retreat… or jump and explore.

So much for that grey area of indecision just the black and white… I was thinking maybe a nice grey toned plaid would be a better choice. So…I have come to this crossroad or roadblock and feeling a little uneasy on what to do.  So many choices and I have to pick one….  I visualize walking into a vast empty dimly lighted  room just waiting for me to fill it with all that I have to offer.

and then…..

I have this list of things I would like to do…and I have this amount of time to do them in… and well lets just say that this equation is not realistic, balanced or even possible…welcome to my mental world.

I have artwork that I have to work on …

I have artwork that I want to work on …

and then there is the artwork that I dream about creating.

And then in the rest of time I have all the other things I need to focus on

Work

Relationship

Family

Cat…

And then there is the time saved for me to rest, meditate, eat and breathing.

I think I past up 24hours limit several listings ago.

So my question to myself is…

How do I get to do everything I want to and still have time to really make it happen?

I feel like I a running after time yelling WAIT I have three more things I need to finish please don’t go yet. Just three more things… and then its gone.

I am asking for my cake (five layer torte) and to be able to eat it…and yes could I have a side of homemade chocolate ice cream?

Is that so bad…except it is a little crazy making, even on a good day!

First, I want to thank everyone that participated in my “Word Project”

I must admit that over the last 6 months it has been an interesting process. I walked into this thinking that this was going to be a grand massive global visual presentation… walls covered with little index cards everywhere. It become clear from the start. That this was to be an internal journey for me and also for everyone else involved. The visual aspect would become secondary.

I sent out the request for the  index cards through my website, newsletters and postings on Craigslist~ both in the states and on the other side of the pond… I had big dreams.

I realized that while doing my own personal card. The project that I put forth to everyone was a very difficult one. It is really difficult to create one word that sums up an individual…and not really fair to make someone limit themselves to just one word… But that will be for next time maybe I will ask for a sentence…lol. I thank you for walking along with me during this journey.

I did not open the envelopes till November 2nd just to give several days to allow time for late submissions. So I had no idea what I was given to work with…it was such a wonderful thing to sit there and open up each one. It was interesting the emotional reaction that I had because here I was sitting holding a card that held the essence of a human being. This is what they hold as the most appropriate word that describes them… to me this was very profound.

In total I received 10 cards and mine made 11. Which in my life the number 11 has always been a very important number it has always pointed towards change. So this added a different twist to everything.  This is also one of the reasons that I completed this project on 11/11/11. The order that I opened the envelopes is how they were placed on the page. Some of the papers in the background are the envelopes that they were delivered in there and there were several personal letters enclosed. These are also included in the piece. They are folded, as not to be read by anyone, you and I know what they say…I think it adds a certain power of the piece.

Because there were a limited number of cards it allowed me the chance to show you the cards that were sent to me individually and then together as the finished piece. I think I will eventually frame this but for now… this is what it looks like.

To sum up what I learned during this process… is that sometimes you cannot gauge the impact that something might have before it is started and that you HAVE to be open to what happens and how the work changes. As I said this was profound for me… but not in the ways I thought it was going to be. It was a very human experience. I felt humbled that people shared with me something so intimate.

Thank you!

Namaste,

john-michael